Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
