Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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