Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
