the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
