I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
