yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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