I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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