Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
