No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
no, he came in my armpit
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
