i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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