You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
