highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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