Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
