I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
