why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
