We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
