Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
