Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
