we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
