he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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