she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
