I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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