Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
