sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
