My friends, they love my intelligence
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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