Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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