Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
