we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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