this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
