He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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