Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
