last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
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