I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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