The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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