i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
