I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
