broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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