Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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