I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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