Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
