I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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