it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
