I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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