I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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