Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
