I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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