So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
