Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
