Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
