I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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