I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
