Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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