I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
i out mim tonsoeep
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