she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
