Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
