yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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