you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
