I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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