if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
