So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
