He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
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