Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
