If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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